This morning I had to take care of several financial tasks related to my mom. While it is a beautiful (although turning windy) day here in New Mexico and my life goes forward, I never know when grief will appear around the corner. I know this road well and as I traveled between the second bank and Trader Joe's, I thought about Mom and how Easter passed and what my sister said– that we can't just pick up the phone and call her when we want. Or for me, I can't find her around the corner to share something with her. As I was thinking all this, the song "Jungle Love" by The Time came on the radio, one of her favorites. and I smiled, knowing she was letting me know she is with me.
Because I shop there weekly, I know several of the cashiers including the one that helped me today. He asked me how I am, to which I replied good, because really I am good. No matter what I'm going through, today is still a good day. And then he asked me what was new.
I looked at him, unsure what to say so I asked, "Do you really want to know?"
"Yes," he said.
So I told him that my mom had died a month ago.
His reply? His dad died three weeks ago.
My latest trip to Los Angeles had been planned well before my mom died three weeks ago. My boyfriend Greg asked me if I wanted to go for his spring break from teaching and I grabbed the opportunity to show him where I surf and introduce him to my Los Angeles friends and life.
And after Mom died I knew the trip would be especially important in my grief as I process it and go forward. More than anything, I needed to get on the water where I find so much peace. Catching the waves isn't as important as just being on the water.
I also needed to let go of my January trip where the swells were the largest they had been in thirty years and so much stuff was stirred up in the ocean from them that I developed a double eye infection the only day I attempted to surf.
It's hard to believe but we are more than halfway through the Lenten season.
I wrote when Lent started that my goal was to learn to let go of outcomes. While there are aspects of my life I can control, like my reactions, I can't control the actions of others. And while there are many goals I would like to accomplish in my life, what I'd really like to be doing is making the biggest difference I can. And to do do that, I need to be open to possibilities.
I obviously didn't know that my mom would die in the middle of Lent. throwing a curve ball into my life. At first I felt annoyed that I my life was being thrown off its course because I would have to grieve. But as the days went by, I began to remember how important faith was to her and if I continued on my spiritual journey, that would make her happy.